Previous parts can be found here and here
Apartments. Today, Hasshi was talking about apartments, and seasonal cleaning, and allergies, and how he was worried that Tottsu's apartment was going to get messy, and dirty, and he didn't want to clean it as it was an invasion of Tottsu's privacy, and--
It was times like that that Tottsu wished he could hear something, anything, but Hasshi. Or that Hasshi, just for a moment, would shut up.
Except that was't true, at all, and he destroyed that thought as soon as it surfaced.
Thoughts like that were what caused this, if Hasshi's research and theories were true.
But the dark circles under Hasshi's eyes, the way that he tossed and turned in his sleep, the way his voice, day by day lost hope, and lost joy, these things haunted him, and at night, when he had nothing to do but think, and reflect, and wonder how this had all happened, and why he was still like this, the guilt and sadness were almost overwhelming, He had not only destroyed himself, but he was slowly destroying Hasshi as well. And that was destroying him, again.
One thing, Hasshi had said the other day, he just could not get out of his head. The moment Hasshi had made the comments his heart had dropped to his stomach. Figuratively speaking of course. As he was a statue.
Why don’t you let anyone in. Why don't you let us love you, care for you, about you? Mitsu was one of your best friends, and yet even he thinks you held him at a distance.
No I don't! He had wanted to scream in reply, to protest, to disagree, but instead he had been forced to listen.
You are always going off on your own, doing your own thing, but when you are worried, or stressed, you don't let us in. It makes me sad when you do that, it makes us all sad. Why aren't we enough. Why do you not trust us? Why do you feel like you have to keep yourself at such a distance.
You are wrong! He had shouted to the silence in his head, but as the hours stretched into days, something had struck him. While Hasshi had listed many things that he liked about Tottsu, he had also listed things that frustrated him, things that made him sad. But never once, not once had Hasshi ever said that he disliked anything about him.
He had heard the entire story of how Hasshi had come to love him. Senpai admiration at first sight, to a crush, to a larger crush, to love and admiration and friendship. Hasshi always talked about his hoped, but then Hasshi always commented that he had failed somehow. He hadn't communicated his feelings well enough. He wasn't consistent enough. He didn't know Tottsu well enough.
Even when he asked Tottsu how dare he do this -- How dare you doubt, for even an instant, that I love you. How fucking selfish can you possibly be? -- There was never condemnation in his voice. Just love, or affection, or sadness, or anger.
Hasshi never judged him, but, he judged himself.
How had he not seen Hasshi's love?
Why had he doubted him? Hasshi was.... pure in his feelings. Simple in some respect. He took the good with the bad, took all of you, and that was perfect for him.
But he.... he was a thinker. An over thinker many would say. Since his early days.
Shaving his head before quitting....he hadn't needed to quit as they debuted, and as much as Gaya had complained about Ikemen desune haircut during debut, Tottsu had avoided thinking about how much of a burned he had been to his bandmates. Then...when he had chosen flashy accessories that didn't match the band for their TV live.
He was always a burden to them, he thought.
But if he listened to Hasshi, he was a burden not because of who he was, but because he kept himself closed off.
I liked it when you wrote for Da Vinci, because it meant that I could get a look inside of your head, see what you are thinking, and what you are feeling.
The fact that Hasshi had to read a magazine, the same as the fans, to get a deeper understanding of Tottsu.... were his barriers really that insurmountable? Were his walls really that high?
Had be ever asked any of his bandmates, seriously, for advice on things that were bothering him, for choices that would effect the band? Or even his close friends, that he had known and relied on for many years?
Had he meant to keep up these walls? Was is intentional, or was it something that he just did?
He wanted to be able to talk to Hasshi, to speak to him to touch him. To make him happy, to bring the light and joy back to his eyes, to return the carefree grin to the boyishly handsome face. To share his thoughts, even when they hurt... he wanted....
I want to come back to you, to love you.
"Well.....If you loved me, I would be happy, so so so so so so so happy. You have no idea, Shota. I have dreamed about you loving me for years. But, even if you don't, and never will I will fix this. I do this because I love you, not because I expect you to love me back."
How can anyone be so selfless?
It still amazed him that Hasshi wouldn't give up on him, that Hasshi was here every day, waiting, and talking, and fighting for him.
"I am not selfless, I will never give up on you, Shota. Never ever ever. Never my love."
I am not worth it, this love, this dedication. I am just...
"You don't get to decide what you are worth to me. You cannot dictate my heart, and my feelings, and if you think I will let your independence and your stubbornness, and everything that makes you you change my mind about you, well then, maybe I am not the dumb one here."
"I guess when you said that you love me, something changed. You aren't fixed yet, but it gives me hope, and now you can talk back." Hasshi's grin was wide, happier than Tottsu could ever remember seeing it.
"Wait here, I will go get everyone, but I am warning you, them are probably going to lecture you."
Ryosuke... you are the only one whose words I have heard, can hear...I think...
"Then I am happy, that my heart finally reached yours. Don't go anywhere." Hasshi winked, and laughed, and tore out of the room, the door slamming behind him.
Where am i supposed to go! I am still a damned statue!
orangegreenlove you are up! Sorry about the last words.