junxouji (junxouji) wrote in writetomyheart,

wake me up

i was suffering and finally wrote some jaeyong & i hate myself for naturally making it angst.

That pickup line was pretty good, Taeyong thinks begrudgingly. Jaehyun has always been impossibly smooth and now was no exception even with his dimpled smile and his nephew squirming in his arms.

He can feel the familiar but uneasy resurfacing of his insecurities. It takes one small and seemingly meaningless glance at his boyfriend to reawaken every fear Taeyong had buckled down in their few years together. It is irrational; Jaehyun has always told him to never worry about these insignificant things yet, he always manages to do just that. He cannot help it. No matter how supportive, how caring, and how reassuring Jaehyun is towards him it always dawns in Taeyong he is not worthy.

Seeing Jaehyun around kids is impossibly endearing yet it provokes such a strong feeling of insufficiency in Taeyong. It is the one thing he will never be able to provide to the younger male who has confessed to always having desired a big family. It's a blow to his pride and unsettles every bit of confidence that had been there. His heart aches now and the thorns of bitterness take root deep into his worrisome mind.

Jaehyun’s sister is beautiful and her two year old son is a bundle of brightness. Jaehyun's family had opened their arms happily and readily to their son's lover. It was far more than Taeyong’s had done. He really enjoys them but he cannot help the pang of hurt that he cannot provide Jaehyun a child and the family that had so graciously loved him as if he was their own a grandchild and niece or nephew. It just wasn't in his power to do so.

The baby boy has taken a liking to Jaehyun and Taeyong cannot blame him. The energetic Hansol has an affinity for mischief so it only makes sense he is naturally drawn towards cheeky, irresistible, and doting Jaehyun. They scatter building blocks around Jaehyun's sister's carpet as Taeyong watches slightly seated to the side admiring quietly trying to swallow down every disappointment ringing in his head.

He cannot tear his eyes away from the joy settled deeply in Jaehyun's kind chocolate brown hues or the nearly blinding smile that radiates from the younger male.

Taeyong cannot help but feel as though he is robbing Jaehyun of all this.

The feeling is so turbulent in his chest--a wave of hurricane breaking at his carefully crafted veneer--chipping away at every good feeling that tells them they belong together. Taeyong is older, therefore by default should be the provider yet, he cannot do something as simple as ensure his boyfriend's happiness. He cannot provide a family, cannot provide a padded lifestyle where they won't face prejudice from people who do not understand them, and cannot give him anything other than his unconditional love. Taeyong, unfortunately, has learned that sometimes it requires more than love to make something work.

Sometimes, no matter how much he cares about something he cannot manifest what Jaehyun needs or desires from mere well wishes or deep affection. Love is not sustainable and far from maintaining happiness.

It just sucks knowing he'd give up anything and everything just for the chance to be what is right for the other. To be someone who can be everything and much more for someone who is the epitome of perfection. Taeyong does not deserve this man yet, against all odds, Jaehyun loves him back. Taeyong does not go a day without being grateful. It may be selfish but, even if he is not worthy of Jaehyun's love he is so eternally grateful there is some deity out there that has put such a bountiful blessing in his life. Taeyong has done nothing to be worthy and nonetheless, Jaehyun treats him as if he has plucked the sun from the sky and stuffed it in his chest.It doesn't make sense. Taeyong can only hope that he will be allowed to be this selfish for just a little bit more.

and laughingvirus it's your turn!
Tags: *team six, love ranger: junxouji
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