But here it is.
Previous parts here and here
"Showering is important, even if I am still angry at you." Hasshi paused his cleaning of Tottsu to sigh. Everyday he dusted the man--statue--whatever he now was off, before re-wrapping him up in a scarf and hat. He sometimes also dusted off Gaya, but Tamamori and Kitayama mostly took care of that. Yokoo has still not made an appearance, but that was not his concern a the moment. If he could fix Tottsu, then maybe he would harass Yokoo about fixing Fujigaya, but Hasshi wasn't certain that his idea was correct. Until that point there was point in confronting Yokoo. "Like really angry at you. Not a little bit angry. You left us, Tottsu. You left me."
Hasshi paused in his daily cleaning and maintenance of Tottsu to step back for a moment. He was beautiful. Even like this.
His lips were twisted into a smile. Not the full smile that Hasshi loved, the one that wrinkled his face and his eyes. Hasshi loved the smile lines and creates, the ones that meant Tottsu was having a good time. Those were absent now. This was the 100% idol smile. The one that Hasshi wanted to wipe away, and replace with a feeling of joy. But how could he do that when his love was not enough. And Tottsu was like this.
“How dare you doubt, for even an instant, that I love you. How fucking selfish can you possibly be?” His voice was soft this time, not the angry screams of the last time he had lectured the statue, but still Hasshi choked on a sob.
"You are the brightness of my days. The star that I always wanted to reach. I wanted to make you happy. I just wanted to love you." He signed, trying to articulate his words even though each breath caught on a sob. Each word was choked out through tears.
"I don't even know if you can hear me. I hope that you do. That yo can. You need to hear this. To not run away."
Hasshi took a deep breath, his dusting rag dropping to the floor.
"I know I am the baby. That you all worry about me. That you think I cannot take care of myself. Which sometimes I cannot. My diet last summer was stupid. I get that..... The thing is, sometimes I feel that a kouhai...still. I feel that I am not equal to everyone. I want so much to make you all proud, to be an equal part of the group, not just the Z. The addition at the end. You know that. At least I thought you did."
Hasshi ran a hand through his hair. "Everyone has their own thing. Their own life. I understand that. We all work together so much I know that you want your own space. And free time. And I knew that you weren't in love with me, not the way that I am with you. But I still though maybe there was a chance. That my feelings could reach you."
Hasshi shook his head. "I chased you and chased you and chased you and you always moved away. Sliding out of reach just as I thought I was making progress." His words were bitter. "Every damned time. I thought you knew...but you just didn't want to accept me. Which was fine." Hasshi smiled at Tottsu, hoping the other could hear him. See the sincerity in his voice. "I can accept anything that you want, that you feel. As long as we could at least be coworkers. I could still be close to you. I had accepted that, that day. The day this happened." Hasshi choked. "I just wanted to give you the space you wanted. I wanted to have something as well. To feel wanted and needed. To be loved for a moment. I don't measure up to the rest of you. I know that. I am so far behind. And even though I love you, even though I showed you every day, it never got through to you." Hasshi's voice was the softest whisper. "For a moment I wanted to feel loved and desired, but even that was asking too much....as it cost me you. It wasn't worth it. Nothing without you is."
Hasshi brushed the tears from his face. "For me, it has always been you. It will always be you. There was never any other. There will never be any other. I wanted love and affection, but because of that my most important person is now gone. For that, I am sorry."
Hasshi tried not to cry and he spoke. He had done a lot of that recently. But it wasn't working.
"Shota.... You and and always will be my first and last love." Stepping forward he brushed a kiss across the lips of the statue. They were cold against his lips. But then again, everything was dull and cold now. "I am sorry that I gave you a reason to doubt me. I always have, and always will love you."
The thing about being a statue, Totsuka Shota quickly realized, is that your brain was always on. He could see everything. He never slept. And the only person he could hear was Hasshi.
He could see the other lean close. Knew that the other had kissed him. But the words spoken caused his crystalline stomach to drop again. Which was a disconcerting feeling, as he didn't really have a functioning stomachs recently.
He had been shocked the first time that Hasshi had said How dare you doubt, for even an instant, that I love you. How fucking selfish can you possibly be? But he had had a lot of time to consider the other words. But this.... This hurt. Shota.... You and and always will be my first and last love. I am sorry that I gave you a reason to doubt me. I always have, and always will love you.
If this was true. If he had rejected Hasshi over and over and over, then he might be the biggest asshole in the world. It was something to consider. And as he had nothing else to do, as usual he would reflect on Hasshi's words. Had he pushed the other away? Was this all his own doing? Did he really not trust the other? He had blamed Hasshi for this, had accepted that the other ones loved had been fleeting. But maybe..... That was wrong. Watching the broken man before him, hearing is secrets, his confessions, his rants....
All Tottsu could do was listen. And thing. He needed to fix this, to do something. To bring the light and smile back to Hasshi. The young man before him was dull. If Tottsu was the one that killed the light within him he had a lot that he needed to account for. But how? And was it really his own fault?
So many questions, and all the time in the world.