People talk a lot about dicks because that's what young men do. They talk about food and their dicks. Also skiing. Also injury.
One of the most important things to remember, in any situation before heading out to the trails, is under-armor.
"I think my dick is gonna fall off," Namjoon mumbles, face buried in the collar of his parka. Trust fuckin' Kim Namjoon to choose to the most obnoxious parka he could to go on a weeklong ski trip in the middle of the coldest month of the year. Trust Kim fuckin' Namjoon to wear the most annoying neon yellow-green parka with a completely useless and only for fashion purposes Neon pink and orange headband instead of a hat like any other sane person. Trust mother fuckin' Kim Namjoon to buy his skis at the fall ski sale and make sure they were not only cheap, but it looked like some pathetic amateur graffiti artists went at them with a sharpie and trust Namjoon to refuse to ride the lift with anyone except him the entire week because he always insists on putting the bar down and Seokjin likes to live on the wild side.
Of course, Namjoon is probably just covering his ass because he's weirdly intimidated by Seokjin's enormous snowboard and actual abilities to get down the mountain without face planting once. Not to mention that Seokjin has mostly been off with Jaehwan and Junghwan the entire time doing stuff that would probably break his neck and is definitely having more fun than Yoongi is.
"They say superglue can work on anything," Yoongi drawls, his breath getting caught in his face-mask and pushing back against his mouth. It's kind of gross, but warm.
"I can't just superglue my dick back on," Namjoon huffs in a cloud of breath. Namjoon is curled in on himself when Yoongi glances at him. "Besides, then I'd risk infection. You'd have to sterilize the area."
"Yeah, no one wants gangrene of the penis," Yoongi says and Namjoon chokes on the frigid air. "You can just get a prosthetic penis instead. I'm sure they make those."
And Namjoon, fuckin' Kim Namjoon, rather than shut up and just deal with the cold chairlift, decides that Yoongi has just been funny and starts laughing. It's that warm deep laugh that somehow always makes Yoongi feel a bit pleased with himself because the sound is so happy and genuine.
Yoongi has always liked hearing Namjoon laugh, mostly because he knows what Namjoon crying sounds like. There is nothing worse than the sound of Namjoon crying.
"Would you still love me if I had a prosthetic dick?" Namjoon asks once his laughter has quieted.
"Probably." Yoongi shrugs, watching a few teenagers try to do some tricks on the slope below them and cheer when one of them manages to get about three inches of air under his skis. "It'd kind of make blow jobs suck though. For you, I mean. And hand jobs. It's just prostate stimulation for you from now on. Or drugs."
"No drugs," Namjoon says firmly and Yoongi smirks. "Plus, I can think of worse things that could happen."
"You could need a catheter," Yoongi suggests.
"I could be paralyzed," Namjoon says, his tone dropping, indicating he's traveling into that serious, contemplative, dark moody place where everything is realistic and severe and there is no hope because mankind is a total fuck cake of a species. Goddamnit. "I could sustain spinal damage that renders me in a wheelchair for the rest of my life, unable to even-"
"You're not going to end up in a wheelchair," Yoongi sighs, shifting so the handle of his ski pole wedges into Namjoon's side. "No one gets put in a wheelchair because their dick fell off."
"They could," Namjoon says, but Yoongi can hear the faint smile now. Namjoon is trying to rile him up and get a reaction, maybe even a laugh, maybe a punch. "You never know."
"You're not going to be put in a wheelchair," Yoongi tells him with a half sigh, lifting the chairlift bar as they pass the warning pole and near the dismount area. "C'mon, we're going in after this run. My hand warmers are dead and we need to defrost your dick."
"Fine," Namjoon says, shimmying on the lift seat to dismount, posture perfect and abiding by the diagram. Poles up, tips up, ready to dismount.
"And you're putting on some goddamn under-armor so you don't have to keep defrosting every few runs," Yoongi says right as the bottom of his skis hit the hard packed snow.
On second thought, Yoongi should have known from prior experience with Namjoon that he should never, ever say anything without having a failsafe to make sure that it doesn't come back to punch him in the mouth. It's these thoughts that run rampant in his head amid the overall screaming of fuck fuck Fuck that render him almost totally silent save for shakily answering the ski patrol's questions as he watches Namjoon get strapped onto a ski-stretcher by a few medics.
Of course, fuckin' Kim Namjoon had, about half way down the slope, managed to catch an edge and went down in the most impressive and catastrophic fall Yoongi has ever seen. It all kind of happened in a rush, really fast and yet in slow motion, where Yoongi watched him start to go down and realized before it got bad that Namjoon was totally fucked. Skis detached, poles went in weird directions, and Namjoon let out the most despairing sound Yoongi had heard from him in a long time.
Then he hadn't gotten up. He just lay there, white washed in a pile of Neon atrocity and limbs and Yoongi's first thought had, of course, been, "he's gonna be buried with bright pink hair, his mom is gonna be so pissed." Then Yoongi had reached Namjoon, heart pounding in terror, and found out Namjoon wasn't dead.
He was just really fuckin' hurt.
"We'll get him down," the ski patrol is telling Yoongi's numb with panic mind. It's not a good survival trait really, to be totally numb when in a time of crisis. Sure, he'd managed to immediately call ski patrol, get them on the mountain, and knew better than to try to move Namjoon and break him more. He knew better than to work Namjoon up, to upset him or get him scared. So he just told Namjoon really stupid stories about all of his brother's really embarrassing dates and other random shit. The numbness though doesn't help, because Yoongi knows as soon as they start moving Namjoon down the mountain, his panic over the whole thing is gonna hit full force, and he's going down.
"Okay," Yoongi says, voice coming to his own ears like it's being spoken through a tin can. "I'll follow. I'm his friend."
"Okay," the ski patrol woman says, smiling behind her goggles. "Don't worry about it. People crash on the mountain all the time. It's probably just a sprain."
Namjoon gives a faint moan as they start up the skimobile and Yoongi skis closer.
"You lucky bastard," Yoongi says, even if it's the wrong thing at the wrong time and Yoongi's heart won't stop pounding. "I've always wanted to ride on one of those."
"Beat you," Namjoon says, voice weak, face pale, and smile weakest. He looks so small, and Yoongi's balls up his hands into fists inside his gloves so Namjoon doesn't see. "See you at the bottom?"
"Yeah," Yoongi says, watching as Namjoon is sped away over the snow and down the mountain. "Fuck."
It's not a sprain. It's a hairline fracture. Namjoon went down hard as fuck, twisting his knee in one of those 'slow falls' they tell you are the worst. Nothing is really broken, but Namjoon is still in a fuck ton of pain and cannot walk.
Despite this, he's practically leering when he's rolled out to see Yoongi after his x-rays in radiology to where Yoongi is waiting on an uncomfortable plastic hospital chair.
"Usually, people who can't walk after a ski injury don't look this happy," Yoongi tells him as Namjoon looks up at him, a pair of crutches perched over his lap.
"I have two pieces of good news," Namjoon tells him as the nurse watches on, oblivious. "The first is that I'm not in a wheelchair because my dick fell off." Mother fuckin' Kim Namjoon. "The second is that I don't have to stay here and can hang out in the B&B to recover."
"You realize our room is on the second floor," Yoongi reminds him, staring at Namjoon as he sits in a fuckin' wheelchair.
"Then I guess you'll have to carry me," Namjoon quips, that grin still on his face and even the nurse looks amused now.
Yoongi is the one that mostly fills out the paperwork while Namjoon gets the basic run down from the nurses. Then, because Namjoon is actually responsible and knows that all of the doctor's information is something Yoongi will probably need to know to (whether to tell Seokjin or to remind Namjoon not to push it like the idiot he tends to be when he's injured or sick), Yoongi gets the run down while Namjoon is signing papers and paying the medical bills.
"He really shouldn't be putting any weight on it," the nurse sighs, flipping through the charts with Yoongi. "I know you guys came up here to ski the mountains, but he can't. The best thing for him will be staying in bed and icing that to keep down swelling while the fracture heals. He doesn't need a cast, but he'll be on crutches for a while."
"Got it," Yoongi says, reading through the notes in the after-summary write up. "No skiing, no weight, no stress."
"You're a good friend," the nurse tells him as Namjoon finishes up his part and Yoongi has a list of things Namjoon should do daily that Namjoon will probably forget. Yoongi smiles, thanks her, and wheels Namjoon out into the bitter winter evening air.
"I'm not carrying you up those stairs," Yoongi tells Namjoon as he slowly pushes him down the entrance ramp towards Yoongi's old beater that drove them the four hundred miles for this trip.
"Not even if I say please?" Namjoon asks.
"Not even if you beg," Yoongi gruffs, tucking his nose into his scarf. "C'mon, let's get you used to those crutches so you don't fall flat on your face as soon as you try."
It's not until they're in the car that Namjoon breaks the silence and his obvious pushing optimism about the whole thing.
Yoongi watches the oncoming cars headlights shine brightly over the snowy roads as he drives slowly back to their bed and breakfast where Seokjin is probably stockpiling the entire drug store by now.
"Nah," Yoongi says after a pause. "I was getting kind of bored of skiing anyway."
When the next car passes them, Yoongi glances over through his rearview mirror and catches the headlights illuminate Namjoon's face and the soft small smile that tugs at the corners of his mouth.
Yoongi doesn't carry Namjoon up the stairs. At least not fully.
He does end up as Namjoon's support though, one of Namjoon's arms looped around his neck and supporting half of Namjoon's weight as Namjoon slowly makes his way back to their room.
Yoongi makes sure to complain about it during the ordeal and Namjoon makes sure to complain as soon as he's dropped unceremoniously face down on the bed. He remains there, whining faintly into the quilted coverlet as Yoongi gets ready for bed and finally joins him.
"The good part about this," Namjoon says in the dark of the room. "Is that I won't kick you in my sleep now."
"No," Yoongi says. "It just means now I can't kick you back."
"It could be worse," Namjoon whispers, turning a bit and making the sheets rustle. "I could have broken both my legs."
"But you didn't," Yoongi says. He closes his eyes, and lets out a sigh, trying to breathe out all of the anxiety and tension that's been simmering just under his skin since he watched Namjoon go down in a slow motion whirlwind of white and neon. "Shut up and go to sleep. You're supposed to be resting."
Eyes shut, Yoongi listens to the silence of the room, the soft winter wind blowing outside, the beating of his own heart and the soft breathing of Namjoon lying inches away from him. They're used to this, traveling and saving money by getting a bed and crashing on it together. Usually, if Namjoon sleeps on his side, he doesn't snore all that much, and Yoongi can sleep through pretty much anything.
Yoongi lays and listens to the stillness of the room, the soft creaks of the old house in winter cold, the gentle wind outside, his own soft breaths, and Namjoon's breathing slowing until he's slipped off to sleep.
They end up exchanging Yoongi's and Namjoon's ski tickets for the remaining days for a refund and a complimentary day at the fitness and health club. "That's nice of them," Seokjin says as he and Yoongi drive back to the bed and breakfast. "Plus, I bet the hot tub will feel nice on Namjoon's leg."
"Yeah. Namjoon on crutches on a wet slippery floor is a great combination," Yoongi says, his breath fogging the glass of the car window. "Genius."
"Don't be too hard on him," Seokjin says, that slight downturn of his mouth indicating he's expecting something bad from Yoongi and knows he won't be around to stop it. Yoongi would be offended if he didn't know he's given Seokjin reason to think this in prior situations.
"I won't," Yoongi tells him. "It's fine. I brought my laptop and Namjoon brought at least ten books. Just go ski and have fun. I'll take care of Namjoon."
"If you need me, I'll have my cell phone on me the whole time," Seokjin reminds for the fifteenth time when he drops Yoongi off at the bed and breakfast.
"I know," Yoongi says, and closes the door before Seokjin can reconsider staying despite Yoongi telling him not to.
Namjoon is pretending to sleep when Yoongi gets back to the room, so he lets him be. Breakfast is still being served down in the dining room, and Yoongi takes up a plate after he eats, dropping it off for Namjoon as the other fakes sleep.
"They only had fake creamer," Yoongi tells him. "If you need anything, I'll be downstairs. Reading by the fire."
Namjoon doesn't move.
It starts snowing around eleven and the fire pops, waking up Yoongi from a small cat nap. Back up in the room, Namjoon is finally 'awake' and reading. He looks up when Yoongi enters the room.
"Thanks for breakfast."
"You need to be icing that," Yoongi says, nodding to Namjoon's leg. "And keeping it elevated."
"I didn't know where the ice packs were," Namjoon admits.
It takes a few minutes to locate the ice packs, only one of which was actually in the fridge. Namjoon lets Yoongi prop up his leg and put away the rest of the ice packs before they end up playing cards on the bed, Namjoon trying to cheat at 'go fish' and grinning every time Yoongi gives him an exasperated but knowing look.
It's when Yoongi has totally cleaned out Namjoon of Kings that Namjoon says, "you know, it's really fuckin' hard to use the bathroom with a bum leg."
"Look at it this way," Yoongi says, putting down all four kings in a set. "Your penis could have gangrene."
"Do you think they'd give me a prosthetic dick or a dildo?" Namjoon asks, squinting at his cards.
"Dildo," Yoongi answers, and smiles as Namjoon's mouth turns up in a silly little grin. "One of those purple ones with glitter."
"To match your already hideous ski gear."
"Got any tens?" Namjoon asks, biting his lip to hold back a laugh.
"Go fish," Yoongi says.
Namjoon makes it downstairs for lunch, and ends up in the armchair Yoongi had been in earlier that morning to read as Yoongi takes a shower.
It's only when the water is running and Yoongi has shampoo in his hair he realizes there is no bathtub, and the shower itself isn't really made for someone who might have a hard time standing. Closing his eyes, Yoongi sighs and leans his forehead against the shower wall.
The next morning, Seokjin doesn't wake up Yoongi for breakfast or to tell him he and the others are going to the mountain. Instead, Yoongi is woken up by a loud bang and a stream of very well chosen swears emitting from the bathroom. Jerking to wakefulness, Yoongi looks blearily around the room for long enough to register Namjoon isn't there, neither are his crutches, and the bathroom door is closed.
Then Yoongi hears the shower running.
There's not really much point in calling out, and the chances of Namjoon startling and actually falling are very high. So, untangling himself from the mess of blankets, Yoongi shuffles across the room to the bathroom, pulling off his sleep shirt as he goes.
In the best of circumstances, Namjoon just dropped something. In the worst, Namjoon has fallen and hurt himself.
The door opens without hinderance and Yoongi immediately finds Namjoon, slumped against the shower stall wall directly under the spray, soaked, and looking futile.
"Morning," Yoongi says, and Namjoon turns to look up at him, cheeks flushed and his pink bangs matted to his forehead.
"You know," Namjoon says, gesturing to the shower vaguely with a hand. "This isn't as easy it looks."
Taking in Namjoon's legs, strewn akimbo, Yoongi doesn't doubt that. "I figured," Yoongi says, stepping forward and pulling open the shower door. He bends down, fitting his hands under Namjoon's armpits and, ignoring the slight whimper Namjoon lets out, shifts him out of the direct line of the shower. "You should have waited until I was up. You're not supposed to shower unsupervised. The nurse told you that."
"I forgot," Namjoon says. It's a lie, but Yoongi let's him have it. Namjoon has been primarily silent since the hospital and Yoongi knows that most of that is contributed to Namjoon beating himself up about the whole thing and feeling like shit and avoiding asking for help with anything because he's a stubborn jackass. "I know what this is," Yoongi says, ignoring the warm spray of water that's slowly soaking him as well.
"What?" Namjoon asks, watching him, his eyes darting between Yoongi's. Back and forth, back and forth.
"This is because I refused to carry you up the stairs," Yoongi says, and Namjoon's eyes widen. "Trust you to take it to the next level."
And suddenly, despite the fact that Namjoon has clearly just collapsed in the shower because of an injury, despite the fact that this is miserable, that Yoongi knows it's miserable, that he knows Namjoon has been holding in his own disappointment and frustration since the fall, despite the fact that the situation seriously sucks and he knows Namjoon must be somewhat humiliated about the whole thing, Namjoon still laughs. It's a little more broken, less warm, and slightly thinner than the usual laughs Namjoon gives Yoongi, but it's still a laugh, and it breaks some of the anxiety that had begun to breed just below Yoongi's chest and tighten the further he pushed it away. It's still a laugh, and the tight lines around Namjoon's face relax a little, and Yoongi knows it'll be okay, because Namjoon has finally let himself believe that it will be okay.
Namjoon stopped hiding in plain view, and even as Yoongi prefers quiet and comfortable silences, the thin ones that last too long, harboring turmoil under their emptiness always are the worst.
"Tell you what," Yoongi suggests, pushing the shower door open a bit as Namjoon pushes himself up into a better sitting position. "You can't shower with crutches, because you'll kill yourself. So if you promise not to break my leg, I can come in there and make sure you don't break your neck in the act of showering."
Namjoon is silent for a while, just breathing and naked in the shower. Then he wets his lips and says, "You should take of your pajama pants or you won't be able to sleep in them tonight."
It's not the first time Yoongi has seen Namjoon naked. That's kind of something that just happens when you live with someone, and neither Yoongi nor Namjoon nor any of their friends and roommates ever cared much about it. Some people care, but Yoongi and Namjoon have known each other for close to a decade, and seeing each other naked was just a part of what came with knowing each other. It wasn't a big deal, and skin was skin.
It wasn't like they didn't know what their dicks looked like, considering they both had them, and there were much more intimate ways that they knew each other than just their physical bodies. For one, Yoongi knew the dark spaces in Namjoon's mind where Namjoon was terrified he'd fall again and Namjoon knew Yoongi's vulnerable side, the part Yoongi guards with his life and is terrified others will see.
It's easier most of the time to think that even Namjoon doesn't know that part of him, but then, there are moments like this, where Yoongi fits his hands under Namjoon's arms and hoists him up slowly and carefully, and thinks that this is just as vulnerable. It's the side of vulnerability where Namjoon lets Yoongi hold him up, keeps one hand holding himself up against the wall as he leans against Yoongi, forehead pressed to Yoongi's shoulder and breaths slightly ragged from exertion.
"You can hold on," Yoongi tells him, the warmth of the shower water pleasant against his skin and Namjoon standing close even warmer. "Just don't drag me down if you start to fall. Give me a heads up or something."
Namjoon just nods against his shoulder, nose pressing into his clavicle as his free hand comes to hold carefully at Yoongi's shoulder. Namjoon is on one leg, the other barely touching the floor. His knee is swollen and bruised, the purple and fading green stretching down his shin. It barely looks like he was able to shower much, the soap on the floor of the shower and the shampoo packets still unopened in the small holder by the side of the shower stall. It's one of the few times that Yoongi has ever seen Namjoon so surrendered, and even fewer that he's really given himself entirely up to Yoongi to take care of him.
For once, Yoongi doesn't have to argue with him and his stubborn defiance that he can take care of himself and that he's fine. As much as that makes this easier, it also unnerves Yoongi a bit, opening a whole other part of how fucking terrible Namjoon feels that Yoongi isn't sure he's ready to expose or look at. It feels too invasive and as intimate as it is already, he's not about to push barriers.
"Just so we're clear, you're the one that gets to wash your dick," Yoongi tells Namjoon, angling himself slightly so he's speaking into Namjoon's ear and can grab the second bar of soap. "I figure you know how to take care of that part of yourself best."
"Thanks," Namjoon murmurs into Yoongi's damp skin, and Yoongi shrugs slightly, careful not to unbalance Namjoon as he gets the soap into his hands and under the water.
"I'll just expect that when I break my leg or something you'll return the favor," Yoongi says, lathering the soap and rubbing over Namjoon's back. It earns him a soft puff of laughter as Namjoon leans into him, his grip tightening slightly on his shoulder.
They stand in silence, Namjoon leaning his weight against Yoongi, wobbling slightly on one leg as Yoongi works the soap over his skin in concentration, shaking his wet hair from his face every now and then when it gets in his eyes. For the most part, Namjoon ragdolls and just lets Yoongi take care of him, silently obeying the soft commands like "lift your arms," and "step closer" and "you have to wash your own ass, Namjoon" without complaint.
"This sucks," Yoongi finally says as he maneuvers Namjoon under the spray of water to wash off the soap, Namjoon's hands on his shoulders to hold him steady as Yoongi works shampoo into his hair. Yoongi has washed his own hair with one hand before, and it's never an easy or thorough job. Plus, even if Namjoon never admits it, he's always liked to have someone brush or wash or play with his hair, even just gentle fingers carding through it will instantly ease some of the tension in his shoulders.
"I'm sorry," Namjoon mumbles, head bowed under Yoongi's hands.
"No, I mean for you," Yoongi says, cutting off Namjoon before he can go down the rabbit hole of self-blame and deprecation. "This was supposed to be a fun week of skiing and hanging out and all that shit. Instead you're stuck with a fucked up leg and can't even wash yourself without it being a pain in the ass."
"It's not all bad," Namjoon says, obediently tipping his head back when Yoongi taps him to rinse his hair out in the shower stream. "It could be worse."
"You could have broken both legs," Yoongi says. "Or your spine."
"I could be alone," Namjoon says. His eyes are closed, the water from the shower streaming down and washing away the suds and leaving him clean. Lips slightly parted, Yoongi can watch him breath, head slightly inclined against the water and he lets out a soft breath as Yoongi runs his fingers through his hair, combing it back into the stream. He doesn't flinch, but leans into the touch, relaxing under Yoongi's hands in trust.
"Nah," Yoongi says, smiling and feeling it slowly seep through him even as this borders on territory rarely tread. "Seokjin would be here if I wasn't." Yoongi watches Namjoon's throat work, his adam's apple bobbing as he swallows. "You wouldn't be alone."
When Namjoon opens his eyes, Yoongi doesn't meet them, already visibly moving away into the next task of somehow getting Namjoon's legs clean without Namjoon keeling over in peril. All the same, Yoongi can feel the brief hesitation in Namjoon's grip on his shoulders as Namjoon leans closer and banishes it as he pulls Namjoon against him firmly. I've got you is easier to say in action that words, and safer sometimes.
A lot of things are easier to say in actions than words most of the time, especially when it's hard to know what words are right and which ones are wrong.
Namjoon leans heavily against Yoongi as he washes his thighs, Yoongi mostly just watching his feet to make sure he doesn't slip and holding onto him to keep him stable. It's cramped in the shower, and it's not like this has been easy between the two of them, but it's a much better compromise and situation than Namjoon actually breaking his leg rather than having a hairline fracture. Or worse, snapping his neck in a sudden slip and crack against the fiberglass.
"On second thought," Namjoon huffs, face tucked back against Yoongi's neck as he leans heavily on him, his supporting leg shaking from strain and Yoongi getting tired. "I wish I had actually broken my dick. Much less work to deal with."
"Recovery time is longer though," Yoongi says, reaching out and turning off the water. He's tired, sore from skiing earlier still and worn from holding up most of Namjoon's weight. Namjoon doesn't look much better, though he is clean, at least. "C'mon, I think I can trust you to dry yourself off."
"Yeah," Namjoon says, face still pressing into Yoongi's neck so his breath fans against his skin, nose pressing into his throat and skin warm. "Yeah, I can do that."
"Good," Yoongi says, and waits for Namjoon to stabilize himself enough to stand unsupported before he opens the shower stall door. It's easier once out of the fiberglass stall, slick with water and soap, and Namjoon gets his crutches under him. Yoongi makes sure he's seated solidly on the toilet before the throws a towel at him and steps back into the shower to wash off himself. "Dry off, I'll be out in a few."
"Fine," Namjoon calls, voice echoing off the walls of the bathroom and filling it up as Yoongi drops his boxers, soaked through and only uncomfortable now he's not focusing on keeping Namjoon up. It had taken a while to get Namjoon clean, so showering feels almost instant when Yoongi washes off. Pulling back the stall door and grabbing for a towel, Yoongi finds Namjoon still sitting on the toilet, staring at the wall with his towel draped around his shoulders. Strands of his hair, pink darkened in the water until they're vibrant, hang into his face as he stares into nothing.
"What?" Yoongi asks, toweling off and drying his hair.
It takes a moment before Namjoon looks up, before he wets his lips and breathes in to answer. "Nothing," he says. "Just thinking."
"Yeah, I know, that's why I'm worried," Yoongi says, and Namjoon's lips quirk just enough to put Yoongi's heart at ease. "Think you can get dressed on your own?"
"I got ready for bed on my own last night," Namjoon replies.
"Yeah, and I just had to bathe you," Yoongi reminds. His shoulders ache, his lower back aches, his legs ache, and the pads of his fingers have begun to wrinkle from being in the water for so long. "You should put ice on that, too."
"I will," Namjoon says. As Yoongi goes back to drying off, Namjoon fits his crutches under his arms and carefully hobbles from the bathroom, leaving Yoongi to his thoughts and the silence.
As the door clicks shut, Yoongi pauses, eyes closed, and lets out a soft breath he'd been holding until it would go unnoticed.
There's always been something about being friends with Namjoon that had a degree of intensity to it. It's probably contributed to the fact that Namjoon himself is intense. He doesn't really go into anything half assed, he processes at an alarming rate, and the passion and determination in him are often dangerous. They're dangerous in how they manifest as stubbornness and thickheadedness, meaning he tends to ignore warnings and try to break his own limits without thinking of the real consequences.
There's an intensity about him where despite that aspect of him, he's one of the few people Yoongi has ever known who thinks, really thinks, about everything and everyone and has true empathic resonance. It's hard to see sometimes, and his stubbornness will get in the way a lot, but under all of the passion and blatant vigorous hunger for explore and examine lies an incredible sensitivity and compassion.
It's overwhelming at times, especially when it's obvious or when Yoongi sees it, simply because it's just as intense and genuine and full fledged as everything else about Namjoon. It's not kept in happy mediums, and it's one of the things that has Yoongi most worried over Namjoon with, because Namjoon is too damn thoughtful to let things go, to let things go unnoticed, and it's exhausting.
It makes it hard sometimes, where it's so easy to slip into comfort with him simply because Namjoon just is comfortable. He's comfortable in himself, has spent more time than anyone Yoongi knows (apart from himself) in figuring out who he is, and that level of self comfort and ease is addictive; it's attractive. It's reassuring, and so, so easy to get pulled too close and made to feel safe.
It's complicated in that Namjoon wants connection so badly, to be able to have a two way exchange, where he can be as comfortable with another as he is with himself, even if he's terrified of parts of himself. That's part of it though, that he knows he has those dark points and fully expects others to have them and be honest and conscious of them. He wants that, even if he's plagued by the doubt that it'll end in rejection and he'll be pushed away. Namjoon still wants that, and it's so easy to be pulled in so close it's hard to remember how to get back out.
Objectively, that's probably why Yoongi and Namjoon ended up close in the first place and had stuck together for so long: they both were completely honest with how fucked up parts of them were and weren't afraid to let that be part of who they were. There's a kind of intense comfort in not having to hide that raw part of self and Yoongi sometimes wonders if that's why it's so easy to read Namjoon sometimes, why it's so easy for Namjoon to read him sometimes.
Then there are times when it feels like there are lines, lines that they've never talked about that may have been crossed. There are times when Yoongi knows Namjoon has retreated too far back into his own head for Yoongi to reach him, and those times scare him, uncertain if he can bring Namjoon back. There are times when he's afraid of losing Namjoon for letting him get too close, for opening up too much.
Despite the fact that Yoongi knows Namjoon knows more about him than Yoongi would ever comfortably admit, there's still that innate fear Yoongi can't quite shake that at some point, Namjoon will see all of Yoongi's darkness, and walk away. At some point, Namjoon will see the parts of Yoongi that are the weakest, the most vulnerable, and it'll be too much.
The parts of Yoongi that hear all the words mixed inside Namjoon's layered language, that notice and know what Yoongi's actions mean when words fail him, and the parts of him that are most scared of being hated.
It's one thing to be hated for a colder exterior, carefully crafted and maintained. It's another to be pushed away for the fragile parts buried too far for light to touch in case they break.
When Yoongi gets out of the bathroom, Namjoon is back in bed, leg elevated and with ice on it, and is reading. Yoongi only has a towel around his waist, his sleep shirt and pajamas damp and hanging up, boxers soaked and drying over the sink. Namjoon is silent as Yoongi throws on a shirt and boxers, focusing on his book as Yoongi climbs back into bed beside him and burrows under the covers.
"Sleeping?" Namjoon asks after a few moments of quiet, the only sounds Yoongi's breathing and Namjoon occasionally turning a page.
"Bathing you is exhausting," Yoongi mumbles into the pillow, wiggling down a bit more under the covers and warmth. He can feel Namjoon's warmth beside him, and it helps him relax a bit, slipping deeper into the blissful state of mindless unconsciousness.
"Thank you," Namjoon says, voice quieter. "For that." Yoongi just grunts, not wanting to talk about this, eyes closed. "Do you want me to turn off the light."
"I'm fine," Yoongi mumbles, and already feeling the warmth wrapping closer. His hair is still damp, but he doesn't really care much. "Wake me up for lunch."
Right before he drifts off for sleep, he feels Namjoon shift, and the covers pull up just a bit higher around his neck. Though that might have been a dream.
Anyone who has ever had a knee injury from a slow fall in skiing knows this seriously sucks.